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I don’t care. Do you?

October 15, 2009

I don’t care. But I’m scared.

Let me explain tonight. I quickly walked into my cold house barely stopping long enough to kick off my rain drench shoes. On my way to the heater, I saw a nice, small letter waiting for me on my dining room table, so I grabbed it and walked into my bedroom to read it. I uncarefully ripped it open with no regard, saw who it was from and immediately I almost felt something. I read the words written in the smoothest of handwritings. I looked upon the very real emotion that was behind those printed words. I could see it. And I could nearly picture the writer, I could see their pain, their hope, their faith.

BUT. I didn’t feel it. I wanted so bad to empathize with the writer.

IwishIcaredWhat I did feel is de-sensitized. Is that even a word? It’s got to be some sort of an oxymoron. Oh well, you know what I mean. I used to be sensitive. I used to literally hurt with the thought of another’s pain. My spirit always yearned for mercy when it came to others, no matter what they’d done. But tonight. Yeah, tonight, it hit me. I realized how far I’ve come. Or better, how far I’ve drifted from the heart I had as a child, and even as a young adult. 

It is my ability to empathize or sympathize with others that has driven me to take every major step in my life. It was my hidden motivation, inspiration, and reason for being. And, now, it seems to be fading away. 

That’s what scares me. If I lose mercy, I lose me

I told a good friend about this, and she thinks that it’s just a phase. But I’m more worried than her. I’m afraid she’s just being nice to me. I appreciate her hope, but even a phase of ‘unmercy’ is not okay with me. I need mercy. Much more than it could ever need me.

Perhaps it’s just my mood recently. But I’ve been through a lot in the past 8 months, and I’m afraid that these 8 months have taken their toll. Surely, it’s just my way of dealing with immediate pain. I’m a passionate person. This unmercy can’t last or I won’t last. Mercy is my passion, my reason for living, breathing, and being on many days. [I know grace is why I’m here, on this blog and in this life.]

Have you ever felt this way? Like you’ve lost all sensitivity. If so, was it just a phase? Or a permanent trend? What caused you to lose it?

I’m one that likes to learn from others, so any guidance you have will help. 🙂

3 Comments leave one →
  1. courtney903 permalink
    October 16, 2009 12:38 am

    I think feeling that way may be a sign that you’ve still got some of your own pain to deal with. I don’t know you well (yet?) but I feel like maybe something painful happened to you somewhat recently and either you’ve done so much to make yourself numb to it that it’s made you numb to others’ pain as well, or it still just hurts so much that you can’t feel anything else yet.

    It’s like… bite your tongue and pinch yourself and you won’t actually feel the pain of both… you’ll feel whichever hurts worse, even though you’re aware both are happening.

    But the good news is that hurt heals, so if this is in fact the case, it will be a temporary problem. Focus on healing your own hurts first, and then you can help heal others again.

    • October 17, 2009 3:18 pm

      I must agree with Courtney…

      I appreciate you bringing the topic up, it’s a tough one to admit. Caring is tricky business and the truth is, as much as we want to care for others, everything begins and ends with ourselves (some would say, that is because there is only ONE of us…) so start from within and don’t expect results outside of yourself that you don’t see inside.

      I don’t know what it is like to lose sensitivity but sometimes I wish I did…just to understand why it happens so often in our world.

      I don’t have an answer for you but I can assure you that by bringing this up, you have already shown a great deal of care.

      Let your head rest a little bit and you will be fine!

  2. Kristen permalink
    October 20, 2009 7:41 pm

    I am afraid of the same things…and have been in the same place. This is not a comment to tell you that it’ll be ok, because I don’t think i’ve quite made it to the other side (I posted a lot on this topic early on in my blog, actually) It is a scary feeling, esp when you start to wonder if it’s permenant. all i can say is that i think it is a natural stress response. and if it bothers you, if it’s not ‘normal’ i have to believe that it will pass.

    maybe it’s a call to you that you need filled up, listened to, cared for yourself? We can’t always be the encourager, after all.

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