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November 10, 2009

If anyone deserves to say that life sucks, certainly it’s everyone.

To me and my situation today, I think I deserve to say it. To the alcoholic and the availability of alcohol, I think he deserves to say it. To the drug addict and the lack helpful solutions for addiction, I think she deserves to say it. To the parent that can’t afford to make rent this month or buy food for the week, I think they deserve to say it. To the veteran that can’t shake the vivid thoughts and nightmares of war. To the 45-year-old hardworking woman that has been stuck in this rut to and from work for far too long. To the wife who’s been beaten down. To the new kid in town that can’t quite find anyone like him. To the doctor that has seen life after life lost. To the husband who’s been nagged for years. To the child that is fighting cancer at the age of 12. To the student who was too afraid to take a chance on a changing her major. To the new professional who was too scared to move to the big city or to the unpopulated land. To us all in some regard. Some scale no matter how small or how large. We’ve screwed it up or something else has. [At least at some point, we feel like ‘life sucks’.] Our lives need an overhaul, an extreme makeover, a mulligan.

And what seems like in the moment the largest crisis the world has ever seen. May seem like in a few years, an obstacle overcome, a defining point in life. And what was holding me underwater, drowning me, nearly to my death, was perhaps the only thing that saved me. Now my life-giving clean drinking water. Purified. It was the only thing that could break my glass world and bring me into this reality. Into the very tangible pain and need for hope in this world.

My heart, beating then or not, will be pure. Not because it was never been broken. Not because it never loved wrong. But because it was true. True to the good and the bad, the faults, the imperfections, the truth and the lie, the pain, the confusion that is held within this life. And whether I’m breathing after I’ve figured it out, I’ll find out, but I will rest in peace knowing that I tried. That I didn’t keep spinning circles for the sake of no progress. But that I used every ounce of energy that I had to climb this mountain, right down to the spine-cringing scraping of these very fingernails. And if I fall off the side of that mountain, I will float freely down knowing that the view from the fall up there sure as hell beats living down in that valley far below.

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