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Then I’ll Be Okay

October 1, 2010

To a best friend, CFP: Because you are the strongest person I know. Though you feel so weak, you are unbelievably tough, and every single day you teach me how to be better. With all of my love, I want you to know that you are not alone. This is for you.

– – –

I can’t sleep. I can’t talk. I can’t breathe.

Just swimming in the these dark thoughts inside my head. I question why. I will ask more questions tomorrow than I do today, because today I ask more than yesterday. Each passing day only makes the present more confusing.

3 deaths in 2 years. But why?

They always say that we’ll not be given more than we can handle. But who decided that this is not too much to handle? The weight of this heavy heart would crush any strong man’s soul. And the pain, the tears, the ache of a broken life can’t even be healed in a lifetime. The scars will always be there. Who says that this is not too much to handle? A heart still beating, inside an empty body. No life. This is not the way to live, this shouldn’t even be called surviving.

We can do nothing on our own. Much less carry the weight of the world. Survivors’ guilt, I think they call it. The sound of it ringing in my ears, deafening to my soul. Thank God, we don’t have to do it alone. But what about the ones that do think so? Is there any surviving this damn life on your own? Who says this life is not too much to handle all alone?

Every day is not so easy. Sadly, it’s a death that brings this life closer. Closer to love. Closer to each other. Closer to perspective.

I’m just dying to know how this story ends. I just want to know He loves us in the end. Despite my weakness, despite my desire to give in. I just need to know in the end, He’s there. Because above all else, and in the end, when my story has been written, I just want to know love. To be love. To have love. And to be saved by Love.

To stand next to you then. To be able to look over and just smile. A big hug and knowing in that moment that the burden has been lifted. When we see them again and their faces without any pain. Then I’ll be okay.

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